Land of the Living Dad

Lately I've been dreaming about zombies. Not the slow, George Romero type, or even the modern zombie long-sprinters who'll stop at nothing to eat your flesh. Nope. The undead in my sleep are just like you and me. They walk normally, without any sort of limp or leg drag. They don't groan, not much, but when they do, they have reason to. Like when you get caught at a red light with no sign of any other cars around. Oh yeah, my zombies can drive too. Some even hold a decent conversation. As I said earlier, they're just like you and I, a bunch of regular John and Jane zombies. And they're everywhere.

So, I've been thinking--why am I dreaming about zombies? There are a few logical explanations: 1) I watch too many movies; 2) I have a deep seeded want to sample human flesh; or 3) I am one.

Although these are all interesting theories, I think #3 is the winner. I have become non-living.

But let's figure this out together, because I have a feeling there are others out there who have come down with the same affliction. (Note: I am not yet a full-blown zombie. Why you ask? I sleep. I try to sleep as much as I can. And, as we all know, zombies don't sleep. Ever. So I still got a chance.)

Now here are a few areas, let's call them points of classifications, of where I've noticed this quick slip into zombie-hood. I'm going to begin writing scientifically now, completely objective, as if I am a specimen splayed out and stuck to one of those rubber, tar coated pans we used to dissect frogs in during high school biology.

Day 1: Testing for zombie-hood.
Subject: Male. 31 years old. Caucasian.
Time: 7:00 a.m. (note: time to begin analysis specified by subject. Wants natural environment intact for duration)

Begin log.

Appearance:

-The subject's eyelids appear heavy, slightly puffed. Beneath the eyes dark. The whites of the eyes are scribbled with veins. The whites themselves tinted yellow. (note: subject may drink too much).

-Although somewhat slight of frame, the subject appears well nourished. Its mid-section, especially the outer abdominal area, seems to be protruding. (note: ask subject its normal dieting practices).

-Not of utmost concern, but the subject needs a shave.

Smell:

-Pungent. Suggest bathing more?

Motor skills:

-When manipulated, the subject's reflexes are quite impressive. Fast, actually. (note: during experiment, when a plastic doll and a bottle of beer were placed on the edge of the simulated swimming pool and were pulled over the edge by our lab assistant, the subject moved at lightning speed to grab both before either touched the water).

-Subject can walk but tends to be more at peace sitting, especially in front of the simulated television.

-Subject turns head in opposite direction when spoken at.

Speech:

-Raised. Tonally deep, almost growl-like. (note: several sighs and slight whimpers recorded when our lab assistant spilled his glass of milk all over the autopsy table).

-Words of encouragement, even praise when our lab assistant cleaned up his own mess.

-Tone softened.

Social skills:

-Loving at times, especially during hectic periods. (note: during simulated crying, subject picked up plastic doll in corner and began cooing it).

-Grumpy at others. (note: when plastic doll was performing simulated poking and jabbing into subject's face and lower abdominal region, the subject swiped at it and rolled over to face the wall).


Final notes: Nearing the end of testing, subject broke through restraints and sat straight up, as if frightened by something. He then spoke. Although unclear, our recording system was able to verify his remark. "Please, please, somebody tell me what I've become." Subject then curled up in a fetal position and whimpered himself softly into a state of relaxation.


Results of zombie testing: Inconclusive.

Day 1 analysis: End.